Therapy for Women
“One in three women may suffer from abuse and violence in her lifetime. This is an appalling human rights violation, yet it remains one of the invisible and under-recognized pandemics of our time.”
– Nicole Kidman
Great Career, Family, Life, and Lie
On the outside, it looks like you have your life together. You’ve gone to grad school, have a great reputation in your field, and things appear on track for you to conquer the world.
But you’re hiding a quiet sense of unease. You’ve felt on edge for as long as you remember and shrug it off by telling yourself that you’re an anxious person. But it’s more than that.
You’re not just worried – you’re petrified.
What you are feeling isn’t the typical anxiety about which other people talk. It’s deeper than that. You’re not worried about what could happen – you’re thinking about what has happened.
And then, your anxiety spreads to the fears of the same thing happening again or to the people you love.
Pain from the Past
In our society, sexual assault, relationship violence, and childhood abuse plague women who face such trauma daily. However, most women don’t have the chance to pause and reflect on what has happened to them.
Most of the time, reflecting is a luxury that the moment didn’t afford. And instead, you pick up and move forward.
But how do you move forward when your past keeps haunting you? How do you move on when you feel trapped inside your thoughts?
And these aren’t just theoretical questions you hear on TV. They’re not just stories that the news plays out. These events are the things you’ve gone through and are a part of your life.
Frozen by Panic
There are moments when you feel so scared that it is as if you had the wind knocked out of you.
You feel stuck inside your body and can’t move; your heart is pounding, and you feel hot and sweaty. You’re suffocating, stuck, frozen, and without words – you sit there, speechless, not knowing what to do.
You pass off those feelings as being “distracted” or “tired.” Most of the time, you snap out of it, but you sometimes become stuck inside your body.
Words stick in your throat – sitting there expressionless and disconnected from your emotions.
You stay on autopilot to get through and function. Deep inside, horror, fear, and distress live – but outside, you put on your game face and get on with things.
Work Has Become Unmanageable
Hours of lost productivity, minor slips, big falls, distraction, worries, and feeling stuck feels permanent.
It is hard to excel in a work environment when you fear being alone with your male colleagues, afraid that they either don’t take you seriously or that they’ll hurt you behind a closed door. So, you limit your interactions, keep the conference room entrance open, and feel you need to justify and prove that your abilities extend beyond your bra size.
You take on less responsibility because you’re afraid you’ll slip up and everything will come crashing down. You’re tired – no, you’re exhausted! You stayed up all night worried and overwhelmed.
Now at work, you’re on your third cup of coffee, have the jitters, and can’t remember details. Your brain torments you by saying, “You’re dumb, irresponsible, and will lose your job unless you get it together.
When Your Brain and Body Betray You
You can’t shake off the flashbacks, nightmares, and memories!
Thinking of those memories creates a lump in your throat. Your stomach cramps, and you feel sweaty, shaky, scared, and irritated.
You are full of self-blame and criticism, and the depths of shame swallow you whole.
Theresa’s* Tipping Point
Theresa was 33 when her life finally came crumbling down on her. For years, she held herself together with duct tape and grit. But the duct tape peeled and revealed a rawness underneath that Theresa tried to hide since high school.
She was assaulted at 16 and raped at 21 by two men in different situations. Theresa concluded she was the common denominator and that something about her made men think that she was weak. Her only logical conclusion was that men sensed her weakness and went after her.
Theresa built her life around that logic by limiting interactions with men and focusing on her career. She excelled at all things within her control – and avoided all things outside her sphere of influence.
Drowning in Distracting Behavior
But in college, there were moments of being entirely out of control while binge drinking, having sex with random guys, and fighting with roommates. As an adult, Theresa felt shame when she looked back at how she handled college. It was a blur of recklessness, slut-shaming by other girls, and doing anything to numb the pain.
After college, Theresa forced herself to do a 180-degree-turnaround. She was diligent in grad school, exercised five times a week, and kept her life organized and in its place. Dating became unmanageable and fearful, causing Theresa to avoid men and keep her circle of female friends close to her.
After grad school, many of Theresa’s friends settled into marriage, kids, and career routines. Theresa felt left out, isolated, and alone. She couldn’t understand her friends’ lives, and they couldn’t understand hers. She became known as the single friend, driven by her career, and serving as an awesome aunt to her friends’ kids.
Limiting Beliefs, Limited Life
Although stable and predictable, Theresa’s life was limited. She lived in fear that the other shoe would drop as she moved forward in life, despite the chaos. But now she felt bored, and idle time became the devil’s plaything. She unraveled.
Theresa’s emotions whisked her away, creating intense hot flashes, panic, and feeling the wind knocked out of her. She felt paralyzed, trapped in her mind, replaying memories of those terrible events. Theresa questioned her sanity, wondering if those events were as bad as she remembered or if she made it all up in her head. She didn’t know how to stop it.
What Theresa felt made little sense. The assaults occurred years ago, so why was she unraveling now? To numb her pain and manage her fears, Theresa drank and isolated herself at work.
Theresa’s life became unmanageable. She had enough of living like this and needed something to change – starting with her.
Getting Help and Doing the Work
Theresa came to therapy, ready to work! With pen and paper in hand, she asked questions, took notes, and learned about herself. She took her recovery just as seriously as she took her master’s degree, and the work paid off.
Theresa learned how her brain handled the first assault and how the second one confirmed her deepest fears. She learned that her brain automatically registered things as scary or dangerous, causing her to turn on autopilot.
Then, Theresa learned to override her thoughts. It was wild because now she was in control of where her mind went, how she processed things, and what she felt. As a result, Theresa accumulated other rewards, such as sleeping, eating, drinking less, laughing more, and sitting with a man without fear.
Focusing and Trust Became Mantras
Theresa became more focused, allowing her to get more things done in a shorter time. Having extra time used to drive her nuts but not anymore. She kept saying, “It’s weird.” Her change was radical and happened fast.
Trust became a theme at work – plus safety, power, control, esteem, and intimacy. We explored each topic in-depth, and Theresa used the skills she learned to target each area of her life.
The past no longer haunted her – the flashbacks stopped, and the future seemed brighter. Theresa could finally see options rather than exit strategies.
“It’s wild” became Theresa’s only way to articulate her transformation. Feeling upset, she said, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
But on reflection, she knew that until recently, she didn’t know the option existed. And all she can say is “It’s wild” with a half-smile on her face.
No Time Like the Present
Don’t spend another day struggling to feel okay. Options are available to take back your memories, your feelings, and your life. There is an option to feel better and to get better.
Living life in fear is limiting. It’s time to take up space in your own life, take charge, and take the world on.
Call today to start feeling better.
*Theresa is a composite vignette of several women with whom I have worked over the years. I altered names and identifying information to protect the identity of the many Theresa’s I have known.