Therapy for Mothers
“I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part, not too crazy about the mom aspect. That shit is relentless… I’m all about putting the oxygen mask on myself before I put it on my baby.
I like that protocol. I like that philosophy very much.”
– Ali Wong
“Have Kids,” They Said…
“It Will Be Fun,” They Said
Okay, sure. You love your kids. Of course, you do. But being a mom isn’t without its downsides either.
There’s a lot of stress, worries, and “What-ifs.” It’s almost as if being a mom rewires your brain to worry about the worst things that could happen to your kids. Oh wait, it does that to your brain!
But what no one told you is just how scary it would be for you. Sure, it’s scary for everyone. But with your history, it’s incredibly terrifying.
You’ve seen the worst of the worst and experienced nasty things. So, it’s no wonder that you’re petrified for your kids.
Putting Everyone Else First
Being a mother is a selfless act. It requires giving of yourself, but in a way, that feels relieving.
It’s easier to take care of other people than to look at yourself. Taking care of others keeps you busy, occupied, and gives you a sense of purpose.
It’s when things slow down that your life gets hard. You can handle taking care of the kids, the laundry, the cooking, and crushing your career. You feel designed for those activities. However, it is exhausting, especially when you’re wrapped up in your head all the time and playing out every worst-case scenario.
And all that tension adds up and puts you on edge. Frustration comes easier than patience. You find yourself in a weird cycle – focusing on others, feeling stressed out, spending less time within your thoughts, taking care of others to avoid distraction while you keep juggling thousands of balls.
The Greatest Juggling Act of All Time!
Then, a ball drops, something slips up, and you lose your cool, causing you to make dumb mistakes at work.
You’re exhausted and toss and turn all night. And, it’s not the typical exhaustion that the other mothers feel. At night, your mind keeps going as wild thoughts pop in and out. You try to tell your husband about it, and he shrugs it off as just being paranoid.
There is tension between you and your kids; your marriage has become so routine that you and your partner barely notice each other anymore. Oh well, this is fine with you because you don’t much like intimacy.
You feel awkward when you receive compliments or when people want to get touchy-feely with you (except your kids, who you’ll always take a hug from!).
You’ve Become Robotic
You’ve created a strict routine to cope with the stress, worries, fears, and tension. Things need to run smoothly, predictably, and precisely. It comforts you because there are no unknown variables to upset you or throw you off.
But no one else follows along with your pattern – everyone semi-tries, which drives you nuts.
The sense of order that comes from your routines and the rules give you a (false) sense of security. But for everyone else, it feels suffocating and annoying. So, your kids push away. Your partner says less and less.
You’re just trying to take care of everyone and everything, but it just creates more distance and isolation. And that leaves you feeling totally out of control.
Therapy? – Nobody Has Time for That!
And yet, there’s always enough time in the day to get your kids to their appointments and make sure that they complete their homework and have clean clothes.
There’s enough time in the day to respond to all your emails, get everything on your to-do list checked off, and make sure your partner remembered to call his mother and say Happy Birthday.
It’s not that there isn’t the time for therapy – it’s that it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea of taking the time for yourself. In theory, you get it. In application, it just doesn’t feel workable.
You ask yourself, “How long are these appointments? How many weeks will therapy take, and how demanding is homework? How will I find the time for all of that?”
These aren’t questions; they’re excuses. (Yup! I just called you out like that!) There is time, but avoidance keeps you in the same old established patterns that are hard to break.
Stacy’s* Worst Fear
Stacy had a modest goal – to be Supermom, take care of the kids and the house, have a stellar career, be the best wife on the planet, and be a woman who has it all. Do it all!
Stacy created a lifestyle around these goals. She had everything planned out, detailed, and organized. And she had the holiday cards to show off her success!
But she struggled. Quietly, she worried about terrifying things, such as not being able to protect her kids.
Earlier in life, Stacy went through a lot of pain and abuse. Her husband knows about it all, but her kids are clueless (and so is everyone else in her life).
For the Most Part, She Blocked Out Those Memories
But those experiences gnawed, causing her to fear for her kids. Those fears always put her on guard, affected her sleep, made her not trust anyone with her kids. Truthfully, she didn’t trust anyone, period.
To feel calm and try to manage everything for her kids, Stacy created routines, schedules, rules, and order. It kept everything running smoothly and safely for a time. But it drove everyone nuts. People felt like she was rigid, complicated, and even controlling. Her behavior limited her life, and it became a self-imposed prison.
And then #MeToo happened, which resonated with her. Too much of what she read on Facebook rang true, upsetting, and painful.
Then the fears for her own children’s well-being flooded Stacy’s mind. She was a wreck – continually checking on kids and worrying about them while feeling irritated and annoyed. The tension became too much to handle alone. Even her husband was telling her she should talk to someone.
An Investment that Paid Dividends
Stacy came to therapy on a mission. She needed to find a release, sort out her thoughts and feelings, and feel less tension and fear. If she was going to do therapy, she needed to make it work to get back to taking care of her family.
Stacy got a few therapists’ names from friends and called around for help. One therapist told her about deep breathing – which caused Stacey to laugh. Another talked to her about medication, but Stacy wasn’t interested in that.
Skills! Stacy wanted skills, something practical that she could do. Workbooks made sense to her because you could keep them by the phone and do this while waiting to pick up the kids.
So, she took the leap and dedicated time to get better. She committed to showing up to therapy and her homework time. And after a month, she got traction, things made sense, her thinking slowed down, and she could talk herself out of her worries.
The skills weren’t just routine techniques. Each week in therapy, we tailored Stacy’s treatment to meet her precise needs. As her skills grew, so did her confidence, ability to reassure herself, and her hours of sleep each night.
Stacy’s husband noticed that she was more comfortable to be around, and the kids saw her as more playful. Her friends noticed she laughed more. And she noticed she could finally breathe when her kids were out of her sight.
Creating time for herself gave Stacy the skills to live in the moment and to spend more time with the people she loved.
Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First
There’s a reason why the airline tells you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you’re not breathing, then you can’t help anyone else around you. And your family needs you to breathe, too.
Call today to get started on your journey to be the best version of yourself – not just the world’s best mom but the best you.
*Stacy is a composite vignette of several women who I have worked with over the years. I altered names and identified information to protect the identities of the many Stacys I have known.