Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

One of the most common questions women bring to me is:

“Is my relationship unhealthy — or am I just overreacting?”

I hear women wonder if they’re making a big deal out of nothing… or if they’ve made the whole thing up in their head.

Here’s the thing: relationships are central to us. They shape how safe we feel in the world, how much we trust ourselves, and even how much space we take up in our own lives. Feeling connected and cared for isn’t a luxury — it’s a basic human need.

And yet, women are constantly taught to doubt themselves and to:

• Minimize your pain.
• Compare it to others (“other people have it worse”).
• Question your own needs.
• Be told that maltreatment is “part of relationships.”
• Believe that being a “good partner” means prioritizing everyone else above yourself.
  

We’re called needy or dramatic if we name what hurts. No wonder so many women live in a fog of confusion.

This blog is here to help you clear that fog. I’ll give language to what unhealthy relationships look like, show you how healthy love should feel, and help you take the first step toward clarity.

👉 And if you’ve ever wondered whether your past experiences “count,” I created a free Trauma Exposure Checklist to help you reflect in a safe, guided way.

There are so many reasons why women hesitate to name what’s happening.

• It feels mean. We’ve been taught our whole lives to care about others and how they feel. And, using a word like “unhealthy” or “toxic” feels big and harsh. We worry that they’ll feel bad, or that they’ll be judged negatively. We place their feelings over our own needs for safety and esteem. We tell ourselves they’re stressed, or had a hard childhood. But those explanations — and the over-empathy we pour out for others — end up invalidating our own experience.
• We blame ourselves. “If I were better, he wouldn’t act this way.” That self-blame offers the illusion of control. If I just get it right, then bad things won’t happen. But this is a fallacy. The truth is, their behavior is theirs to own and theirs to control. 
• Culture normalizes it. We hear: “Every couple fights,” or “relationships are hard work.” But conflict is not combat. And effort is not the same as one partner carrying the entire load.
• Our bar for “normal” gets shifted. If you’ve lived in chaos or betrayal, unhealthy can start to feel like home. You compare it to worse situations — your own past, or what you’ve seen on TV — and convince yourself it’s not “that bad” because you’re contrasting it to an extreme. It doesn’t have to be as bad as an extreme for it to still be bad.
• Trauma clouds judgment. Gaslighting and invalidation scramble your memory, distort your sense of self, and make you doubt your own reality.
• Because then you have to do something about it. And underneath it all? You want the relationship to work. Admitting the truth feels terrifying, because what if naming it means it can’t survive?

That’s why it helps to see the signs laid out clearly.

Here are some of the most common signs — explained in plain language with examples you might recognize.

If you read this list and felt a knot in your stomach — that’s your body telling you something isn’t right.

A question I hear often: “But when is it officially toxic?”

Here’s the truth: you don’t need an official line.

• It doesn’t have to escalate to violence to matter.
• It doesn’t have to hit some dramatic turning point before you’re justified in leaving.
• You don’t owe anyone a “good enough reason” to walk away.

If you aren’t happy, if you don’t feel safe, if your gut knows it isn’t healthy — that’s enough.

If you feel unwanted, uncared for, or dismissed – that’s enough. 

If you are made to question your own judgement, feel embarrassed, or worried about their reactions – that’s enough.

You don’t need anyone else to confirm that it’s “bad enough.” Your pain matters.

Healthy doesn’t mean perfect — but it does mean this:

• Safety in being yourself. You don’t have to walk on eggshells. Who you are is celebrated, not criticized.
• Mutual trust and respect. Both partners take each other’s needs seriously.
• Boundaries honored. Your “no” matters. Your comfort matters. Your opinion matters.
• Support and encouragement. You’re free to grow. Your passions are encouraged, your goals cheered on.
• Being seen and appreciated. You feel wanted, loved, and valued for who you actually are — not who you contort yourself to be.

Healthy love makes you feel bigger, not smaller. Stronger, not weaker. Secure, not afraid.

You don’t need proof or permission to call something unhealthy. If it hurt you, if it changed how you see yourself or the world, it matters. And you deserve healing.

Start by downloading the Trauma Exposure Checklist here. It’s a simple but powerful way to begin seeing your experiences more clearly — and to take your first step back toward yourself.