How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays: A Guide for Women with Trauma & PTSD

Setting boundaries can feel hard any time of year, but if you’ve experienced trauma or PTSD, it can feel especially challenging around the holidays. Often, trauma has come from those closest to us—the very people we’re expected to see during holiday gatherings. This can stir up old wounds and leave us feeling unsure of how to protect ourselves in environments that don’t feel entirely safe. For many women, it’s even harder to set boundaries with family or loved ones because we were raised to prioritize others’ needs before our own, and it’s easy to feel guilty for wanting space or limits.

But here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t about hurting or rejecting anyone else. Boundaries are a way of showing yourself respect, especially when the pressure of holiday expectations, opinions, and obligations starts to creep in. They’re a way of keeping some distance between yourself and the chaos, letting you decide what’s comfortable and what you need to feel safe. In this blog, we’re going to walk through some practical ways to set boundaries that honor and protect you during the holiday season.

Trauma has a way of making us believe that our needs don’t matter. For many survivors, past abuse or harmful experiences taught us to put other people’s wants before our own needs, conditioning us to think that being “selfish” is wrong or that having needs is somehow a flaw. But here’s the truth: having needs isn’t selfish; it’s human. Recognizing that your needs are valid and worth protecting is a critical step in both healing and setting boundaries that protect you.

Boundary-setting begins by understanding that your comfort and well-being come first. Trauma can make us feel guilty for saying “no” or standing up for ourselves, but prioritizing what feels safe and supportive isn’t just acceptable—it’s essential. Give yourself the space to ask questions that matter, like:

If these questions feel challenging, that’s okay. Start with small steps, remembering that setting boundaries is not about hurting others but about protecting yourself. Prioritizing your needs means choosing a healthier, more balanced version of the holidays—one where you get to decide what’s right for you.

Boundaries aren’t just about setting rules for others; they’re also about knowing and respecting your own limits. Especially for trauma survivors, people-pleasing can feel like second nature. So, when someone asks for more than you can give, there can be a part of you that wants to say “yes” even if it’s too much.

This holiday, give yourself permission to say “no” by setting some internal boundaries:

• Limit your commitments: Let go of the need to do it all. Decide what truly matters to you and set realistic expectations.
• Protect your downtime: Reserve time for yourself. Take breaks to recharge, leave events early if needed, or take a quiet walk outside.
• Avoid overindulging in substances or food as a coping mechanism: When there’s a lot of social pressure, it’s easy to lean on alcohol or overeating. Instead, try to give yourself permission to step away and check in with your needs.
• Prioritize your sleep. Sleep is one of the most important things we can do to protect our mental health, and ensuring you maintain a healthy bedtime and waketime routine is a key step in this.

Internal boundaries allow you to stay connected to yourself. You’re allowed to say “no” to things that don’t feel healthy or aligned with your needs, even if others don’t understand.

Creating a healthy environment makes it easier to honor boundaries. As you think about holiday events, plan for the places and moments that may need extra support. A few ways to set the stage include:

• Opt out of gatherings that feel unsafe or emotionally draining: If certain events bring up difficult memories or feelings, it’s okay to skip them. You don’t need to put yourself in situations that might trigger past trauma.
• Choose to not go places where your abusers are allowed to be: You are not obligated to go to events that your abusers are at. You have every right to choose to not attend some events. Your comfort and safety should be a priority not only to yourself, but the people in your life. If they’re inviting those that have harmed you, it’s okay to not attend.
• Arrive late or leave early: If you need to attend a gathering but feel overwhelmed by the idea of a long day, consider arriving after things have settled or leaving before they escalate.
• Establish pre-set boundaries: If certain topics are painful, it’s okay to let family know beforehand, “I’d love to focus on positive things this year and avoid talking about XYZ.” Setting the expectation in advance can help create a healthier environment for you.

Creating the right environment is part of protecting your peace and letting others know what to expect. Remember, you don’t have to sacrifice your comfort to meet holiday expectations.

You might already have a sense of who respects your boundaries and who tends to push them. It’s important to understand this in advance so you’re not caught off guard.

For those who respect your boundaries:

• Simple “I” statements go a long way: These people will likely respond well to direct, honest statements. You can say things like:
• “I’d rather not talk about that topic today.”
• “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that right now.”
• “I’m just not available to chat about this.”

For those who don’t respect your boundaries:

• Have a few exit strategies ready: Instead of explaining or negotiating, try responses that prioritize your peace. Keep these phrases in mind:
• “I need a moment to myself.”
• “I think I’ll take a quick break.”
• “I’m going to head out now.”

Knowing who responds well to boundaries and who doesn’t helps you feel prepared and empowered to act on what’s best for you.

As a trauma survivor, support is essential during the holidays. Whether it’s a friend, a partner, or a family member who “gets it,” let them know your boundaries and invite them to be your ally. Additional ways to build a supportive environment include:

These steps ensure you have a safe space to return to, whether emotionally or physically. Having support reinforces that your needs are valid and gives you a sense of control, which is essential in managing past trauma.

Holidays tend to bring out probing questions from family members or friends you haven’t seen in a while. They may ask about your dating life, career choices, or other personal details that you’re not comfortable discussing. And guess what? That’s entirely okay. You have every right to keep certain aspects of your life private and to protect your mental space by choosing not to engage.

When faced with these situations, remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone full access to your life. Here are some responses that can help you gracefully steer the conversation away from uncomfortable topics:

• “I’d rather keep things light today and just enjoy everyone’s company.”
• “Thanks for understanding that I’m not really open to talking about that right now.”
• “I’m keeping that part of my life private for now, but I appreciate your interest.”

These gentle but firm responses let you take control of the conversation without feeling pressured or exposed. Remember, setting these boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about giving yourself the permission to keep interactions at a level that feels safe and manageable. Practicing these phrases ahead of time can help you feel more confident in asserting your boundaries and protecting your peace during the holidays.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, and for trauma survivors, there is an extra layer of challenges that it brings. But remember: every “no” is not a mean word, and your privacy, needs, and well-being is just as important as anyone else’s. You have the right to feel safe and comfortable, so sometimes saying “no” to others is a way of saying “yes” to your own needs.  Boundaries are not a rejection of others—they’re an act of self-respect, and they keep your peace intact.

This holiday season, I encourage you to focus on what truly supports your mental and emotional health. You don’t owe anyone your story or your time if it doesn’t feel right to share. And if you need extra help or support navigating the complexities of trauma recovery, working with a trauma-focused therapist can be a powerful step in reclaiming control, building resilience, and finding lasting peace.