“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have real trauma.”
“He never hit me.”
“I should’ve stopped it.”
“I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
If these thoughts echo in your mind, you’re not alone — and you’re not wrong or dramatic for having them.
Women across Massachusetts, Virginia, Illinois, Vermont, and Florida often sit in my (virtual) office carrying the same quiet, heavy burden: a trauma history they’ve spent years minimizing.
Not because it wasn’t traumatic. But because our culture taught them to downplay their pain.
Today, we’re naming and dismantling the “It Wasn’t That Bad” syndrome — so you can finally understand your experience the way your nervous system does.
And for therapists looking in from the outside: this is the diagnostic and relational blind spot we must correct if we want to truly serve women with trauma.
1. “It Wasn’t Like I Was in a War, So It Wasn’t That Bad”
Here’s the internal monologue I hear over and over:
“It wasn’t a war zone.”
“He never hit me.”
“It was just yelling.”
“Everyone argues.”
“People have it so much worse.”
This is self-gaslighting — the unconscious minimization women use to survive situations that were overwhelming, frightening, or dehumanizing.
We’re conditioned to think trauma looks like:
- Combat
- Car accidents
- Violent assault
- Headlines and disasters
But for most women, trauma happens in quiet, familiar places:
- Kitchens
- Bedrooms
- Cars
- Doctors’ offices
- Religious communities
- Group chats
- Marriages
Criticism, control, manipulation, betrayal — all of these slowly carve into your sense of self until you no longer recognize the erosion.
You don’t need a war zone to have trauma. You just needed to feel unsafe in a place you should have been safe.
2. Why We Minimize: The Systemic Roots
Women don’t minimize trauma because they’re weak. They minimize because the world taught them to.
1. Societal Conditioning
Women are trained from childhood to preserve relationships at all costs:
“Don’t be dramatic.” “Don’t make a scene.” “Be nice.” “He didn’t mean it.” “Just ignore him.”
So instead of thinking: “He hurt me,” most women think: “I’m overreacting.”
2. The “Why Didn’t You Leave?” Trap
When society blames survivors for staying, women rewrite the story to survive the guilt: “If it wasn’t that bad, then I’m not stupid for staying.” This is not weakness — it’s adaptive survival logic.
3. Shame as a Shield
If you admit the truth — that someone you loved, trusted, or depended on harmed you — the ground beneath you shifts. You have to start questioning your judgment or choice to trust them. It makes you start wondering: “Do I even know who I can trust?” “Can I trust my own judgment?” “What if it’s all in my head?”
Minimizing protects you from that earthquake. It’s safer to believe “it wasn’t that bad” than to face the terror of what it really was.
3. Redefining Trauma: Violation, Not Just Violence
Here’s the definition most survivors were never given: Trauma is any experience of threat or violation that overwhelms your ability to cope.
Not “any experience involving visible harm.”
That means: Threat is subjective. A partner blocking a doorway is a threat, even if he never touches you. A doctor ignoring your pain is a threat, even if he speaks politely. A partner pressuring you into sex is a threat, even if he never uses force.
Violating ≠ Violent Many of the most devastating traumas involve:
- Coercion
- Dismissal
- Betrayal
- Humiliation
- Emotional abandonment
- Gaslighting
These experiences assault your autonomy, identity, safety, and sense of truth — without leaving a single bruise. Your body still registers them as trauma.
4. The Checklist of Invisible Wounds (What Counts?)
Most women who minimize their history have been exposed to at least one — and often several — of the following:
Emotional & Psychological Abuse
Gaslighting
Constant criticism
The silent treatment
Walking on eggshells
Being blamed for everything
Being told you’re “too sensitive”
Financial Abuse
Controlling money
Hiding accounts
Giving you an “allowance”
Threatening to cut off resources
Medical or Reproductive Trauma
Being coerced into procedures
Birth trauma
Pain dismissed by clinicians
Being pressured into sex postpartum
Social Annihilation
Smear campaigns
Humiliation
Isolation from friends or family
Threats to your reputation
Trust Violations
Chronic infidelity
Betrayal
Double lives
Secret addictions that destabilize the entire home
None of these involve bombs or battlefields. All of them alter your nervous system as profoundly as any “classic” trauma.
5. Consequences: “If It Changed You, It Counts”
Here’s my clinical rule: If it changed how you feel about yourself, others, or the world — it counts as trauma.
If you now believe: “I’m worthless.” “People can’t be trusted.” “I’m too much.” “I’m not enough.” “I have to stay small.”
Or if you now live differently:
- You scan for danger in every room.
- You can’t relax around the people you love.
- You shut down or dissociate during conflict.
- You overfunction to avoid abandonment.
Then you’re not “being sensitive.” You’re living with the blueprint of trauma.
And minimizing it only prolongs your suffering — because you end up treating symptoms (anxiety, depression) instead of the actual wound (violation and threat).
If You’ve Minimized Your Trauma… You’re Not Alone
Women across Massachusetts, Virginia, Illinois, Vermont, and Florida often tell me: “Maybe I’m being dramatic.” “Maybe I’m the problem.” “Maybe it wasn’t trauma, just a bad relationship.”
If you’re confused… it’s because no one ever taught you the full definition of trauma. Once you learn it, your entire history starts to make sense — compassionately, truthfully, and without shame.
For Clients in MA, VA, IL, VT, or FL:
For Clients in MA, VA, IL, VT, or FL: If you’ve spent years telling yourself “it wasn’t that bad,” you’ve likely been surviving without the validation you deserved. You don’t need proof to receive care — you only need someone who listens to your story without minimizing it.
Your pain is valid. You don’t have to prove it to receive help. If you’re ready to stop minimizing and start healing, let’s talk.
References:
- DomesticShelters.org: Why Some Survivors Minimize Their Abuse. Link: Why Some Survivors Minimize Their Abuse
- UCLA Trauma Systems: Impact of Sexual and Interpersonal Violence on Women. Link: Impact of Sexual and Interpersonal Violence (PDF)
- National Health Care for the Homeless Council: Providing Trauma-Informed Services for Women. Link: Trauma-Informed Services for Women (PDF)
- Psychology Today: Feeling Broken: You May Be Minimizing Trauma. Link: Feeling Broken
